Baby Fever

The past few months feel like I have been overwhelmed by adorable babies in a variety of stages. It first started when we went to a wedding of a good friend, who had a 7 month old. Our other friend was there with their 4 month old. These babies were not your typical babies. First, they were adorable, and did not look like aliens. Second, they were so freaking happy! Third, they had awesome parents who amazed me with how loving and laid-back they were. It was incredible to witness the relationship between parent and child at its first stages. I had had some hang-ups about having babies (more on that later) but after experiencing the love that these parents had, it made me re-evaluate how I was feeling and totally gave me the fever.

I love children. I worked in a daycare all throughout high school and still say that it was my favorite job. I was raised in a big family where there were always babies around, so I am pretty comfortable with them. Having babies for myself has always been an idea that was far away in the distant future, like a foggy dream. The wedding of my friend really brought that idea into focus. Could that be me one day?

Since moving to Portland, I had been hesitant about having my own child. I had a tough experience, where I was in close quarters with a woman who was pregnant. I will call her Tina. I got to see all of the negatives of pregnancy and I got to hear all of the disgusting details. I hate to say it, but it totally turned me off to pregnancy. I didn't want to turn into Tina. She was depressing, unhappy, unkempt, pushy, opinionated, and psycho. My fever had turned cold.

After a few months, I started having positive experiences with people and friends who were different stages with babies - newborns, 6 months, still in womb, etc, and each and every one of these experiences inspired me. I was able to watch my friends interact with their baby and the people around them in a non-judgmental way. I saw how my friends were totally at ease with other people holding their babies, and didn't feel the need to yell at someone to tell them how to do it. I saw my good friend, who should be having her baby any day now, was taking care of herself during her pregnancy, working out, and looking like the most beautiful pregnant lady who ever lived.

More and more positive experiences kept occurring, and they overshadowed this deeply negative experience I had had with Tina. I realized that pregnancy wasn't Tina's problem. Her problem was HER! It was vital for me to witness my friends and their experiences. That seemed to be the only way to show to me that it didn't have to be this way Tina was making it out to be.

So the fever has returned. I anxiously await the birth of my friend's child. He might be born on Joe's birthday (which is 6 days away). I will cuddle this baby, coo to it, rock it, love it, watch its parents shower it with love and happiness and openness and understanding. The fever has certainly returned.

The Quest for the Perfect Hill

This image is the road to Rocky Butte, an extinct cinder cone volcano that is a mile from my house. The road winds up the hill for over a mile. The bike ride down is incredible, but the climb up is a painstakingly arduous task. Since starting my bike-loving life in Portland, I have embarked on a quest to find the perfect hill. I have a few qualifications that this hill must meet:

1. There must not be too much traffic. There is this one hill that I get to ride every morning into downtown Portland. In order to get to the bottom, I must traverse 7 stop lights. When the stop lights are all synced up, it's green green green. Many times I hit the hill on a red light, and then have to fly down a block, only to hit another red light, and so on. At these times, I am usually traveling much faster than the cars that are in the lanes with me, which can be problematic. Also, a girl was hit by a semi turning right at one of these intersections. Not the ideal hill!

2. The road must be paved and smooth. There is another hill that I get to take to work everyday. The road is an old neighborhood road that is cracking and is filled with rocks. My bike bumps and bops the entire way down. I am always afraid that I am going to pop a tire or have my lights and pannier fly off my bike.

3. No stop signs to interrupt the glee. There are quite a few perfect hills that are ruined with a stop sign in the middle of them. Stop signs on hills cause me to have to wear out my brake pads way too much than I would like. Also, I am always tempted not to stop and continue on my merry way, except that I have encountered quite a few close calls.

4. The effort must not outweigh the payoff. The road to Rocky Butte (pictured above) is an intense uphill climb. Some hills in Portland are so taxing that I start to hear my heartbeat in my ears (anyone else know that feeling?) That is not how I want to start my descent! I enjoy putting in mild to medium effort to get up a hill, but if I haven't chosen "hill climbing" as my exercise for the day, then I don't want to feel like I am going to pass out before I get to fly down the hill.

5. While riding down the hill, I must have the impulse to say "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" This one is self-explanatory.

I have experienced many hills that come very close to being the perfect hill. I even have one that currently has the top spot. It is a neighborhood road near Laurelhurst Park. The road is Ankeny. There is a moderate climb for about 7 blocks before the hill. The hill slopes down and curves gently as is descends. It is not as high as I would like it to be, but it certainly makes me say "wheeeeee!"

Debating on Whether or Not to Debate Columbus Day

I have never been good at debate. While the best Facebook debaters probably spent their educations in classrooms debating Philosophy, English prose, and rhetoric, I was in a classroom having a giant love-fest. Yes, my years of college were spent in Social Work classes, talking about attentive listening, reflecting of feelings, and empathy. While I might not be able to carry on a debate with the best of the best, I can certainly process with someone who has had their feelings hurt in a debate by said Facebook debater. It puts me in a tricky position when there are issues and ideas that I want to express and debate, yet struggle to make my voice heard. For these reasons, I typically avoid a Facebook debate. Until Columbus Day 2010.

I saw a short clip that was beautiful and utterly moving.


Nice, right? How can anyone disagree with that? They aren't asking to have Columbus supporters burned at the stake, just to "reconsider" your ideas about Columbus and what he stood for. It seems so blatantly obviously and I don't understand how anyone could find problems with that. Well, some people did, and it ended up in some nasty Facebook debates. At one point, a guy (who shall remain nameless, mostly because I don't even know who the hell he is) suggested that the people who are sharing that video should pack up their cars with all of their possessions and electronics (tv, cellphone, ipods, etc) and drive off a cliff. I guess he was trying to say that without Columbus, we would not have any of the wonderful shiny things that we have today? His point is lost on me and I certainly don't agree with his logic. I have a hard time crediting Columbus for all of the "luxuries" that we have today. Having said that, I am not opposed to one day allowing all of those luxuries to fall off a cliff (without me in the car, of course). These luxuries of the 21st century are here for us to enjoy at the direct and indirect expense of others. We live in a world that is full of inequalities. In order for us to have these shiny things, we have to have people who make these things. The conditions and environments under which these products are made are not healthy or happy.

There are American and Japanese-owned factories along the border in Tijuana that produce televisions, electronics, and other exciting things for the fat markets in the Western civilization. Most of the workers in these factories, or maquiladoras, are women. They live in horrible conditions, make shit for money, and raise their children alone (their husbands are usually trying to scrape by in the US). The sanitation and infrastructure is awful - dirty, undrinkable water, live power lines in the streets, and shacks built from reclaimed garage doors of rich Americans who don't need them anymore. These factories also don't offer any type of unions for their workers, instead creating a union for the OWNERS OF THE COMPANIES to keep the women from creating a union and being granted rights. (The documentary on these issues can be found here).

While I don't believe that this is a direct result of Columbus, he certainly paved the way for colonization, industrialization and annihilation in the coming centuries. It is a known fact that he murdered and stole from countless indigenous people. I understand that there are lots of groups or explorers that have done this in history, but he is the only one we have a national holiday named after.

All I am asking is that people "reconsider" Columbus Day. If that means having awkward debates that I am ill-equipped for, I will do it.

Another Year, Another Cheeseburger

Ramone turned two today! For his birthday, we got him a cheeseburger from Burgerville, our local sustainable, compost-friendly, wind-powered "fast food" restaurant. He LOVED it. He didn't devour it right a way, instead caressing it and licking it before taking it outside in the yard. We typically never give him people food, so this was a major treat.

It amazes me how much Ramone has grown in the year we have had him. A few days ago I took him to the vet to get his yearly rabies vaccination. The last time he had been to the vet had been nearly a year, and on that occasion, he was miserable. He was so uncomfortable, growled at other dogs, and whined and whimpered for the entire 90 minutes we were there. This time, he was like a dream! Friendly to other people, sitting when asked, cautious but kind to the vet, and not a whimper or peep out of him. Training him took hard work and diligence, but I am so happy that we stuck with it to help him become the healthy, happy, and energetic dog that he is today.

Happy Birthday Ramone!

A True Test

This gorgeous Labor Day weekend, I spent roughly 16 hours putting together a metal shed that arrived in a flat box. No amount of holes that didn't line up or missing pieces or drills that wouldn't stay charged could stop us. We did it! What amazed me the most about this project was not the fact that we now have an actual 8x6 shed adorning our backyard, but that I completed this project without bickering or fighting with my handyman partner. To me, it was a true test of our relationship. Not only did we complete it sans yelling, but we actually had fun doing it.

There were many opportunities for yelling, shit-talking, and sarcasm, but neither of us engaged in the behavior. We worked it out, took our time, took breaks, took deep breaths, and even talked about how we could be yelling at each other, but it would only make it worse, since I am trying desperately to get this damn nut on this bolt and by you yelling, I would only get more anxious, drop the nut, and have to start all over. As we approach our marriage to each other, weekends like this help to cement the fact that I truly am marrying someone who I want to grow old with. Someone who I want to be my friend forever.

We have many other projects planned for our new house. We want to paint the exterior. We would love to finish the basement. It would be wonderful to have a grander back deck. It will be interesting to see how we tackle them in the future. This house will be a labor of love, with our hearts poured into our projects, which will not only strengthen our surroundings, but also strengthen our relationship and our love for each other.

My heart warms when I think of Joe. There has never been anyone else that I have consistently wanted to be around. Things are just so easy with him. To think back on all I have been through before meeting him, and all that he has been through as well, it's incredible to see how far we have come. Although most of the time it feels as if we are already married, I still can't wait to make it official.

I am quite a lucky girl to be surrounded by so much good, love, and beauty. Joe starts back at school tomorrow as a 7th and 8th grade teacher, and I know he will be great. Our schedules will change and it will be back to our busy days and busy nights. We will certainly find time for our home projects and for each other. We start swing dancing classes in a few days, and although I am extremely worried and nervous about it, it's nice to know that I have such a solid partner, dancing next to my side.

Planning a Wedding? How Niiiice....

In the South, a woman uses the phrase "how nice" to describe something she doesn't particularly like. For fear of appearing unladylike and rude, she will use "how nice" instead of giving criticism or disgust directly. That's the first thing that pops into my head when I think of planning a wedding, except it is said with an extremely exaggerated Southern drawl.



I guess I am being slightly dramatic. It hasn't been that bad, and parts of it have actually been fun.
We have had a couple location changes, multiple date changes, and pointless dress drama. I received two sample wedding invitations in the mail today and I have to say they were the wimpiest excuse for an invitation that I have ever seen! If that is what an inexpensive, earth-friendly, recycled invitation looks like, then I don't want one.

There are still lots of gaping holes in our planning process. We need to work on our Save the Date video. We need to gather addresses and email addresses of friends and relatives. We need to start thinking of the most important part, which, coincidentally, is also the part I've spent the least amount of time on - The Ceremony. Funny how I've put about 30 minutes of thought into planning the ceremony but I've done about 12 hours of research on the honeymoon.

Overall, it's going to have to be a process of give and take. There are things I'm not flexible on (outdoor wedding, civil ceremony) and there are things that I will probably end up being flexible on (allowing a DJ to run the show although I am absolutely dreading it, food choice). To me, the most important items are the music and the food, so I think I will certainly welcome input and suggestions from others. I want people to eat well and dance well.

There have been two nights that I have woken up, heart pounding, due to nightmares about my wedding. Both times, my aunt is informed an hour before that she will be catering the wedding. My aunt is not a caterer. It is tortuous to watch. Also, we don't have a ceremony in my nightmare wedding. All of the people sit down in rows to watch Joe and I and all we can do is stare at each other, dumbfounded. We are at our wedding and we completely forgot to plan a ceremony. I believe these dreams are just showcasing things in my mind that I have not planned yet, and helping me to be aware that I will need to put effort and attention into these details. I was so relived when I realized the nightmares weren't real.

The most important part of this wedding is celebrating the love that Joe and I have for each other. All of this other stuff doesn't matter, because it wouldn't be happening if Joe and I weren't crazy about each other. As long as that comes across to our guests and family, then we have done our part. It will all work out, DJ or no DJ.

The Day He Left Me

After a 90 minute shopping trip, I arrived to an empty house. Before I left, I kissed Ramone and told him I would be back soon. He obviously couldn't wait.

Our new house has a doggie-door that leads into the back yard. I figured it was the perfect solution to the long days I sometimes work. Without Joe here, Ramone would be cooped up for 12 hours without a potty break. With the doggie-door, he could come and go as he pleased. The door was working fine for the first week that he used it, but something happened last Friday that changed everything. While I was gone for a mere 90 minutes, Ramone dug a hole under our fence and was gone.

There is nothing like that feeling of terror when you realize that something is not right. At first, I thought he was hiding from me. Then I saw the paw prints in the dirt and the hole under the fence. He ran away! He had never run away in his life! I instantly thought that he was mad at me and I had done something wrong. Why else would he dig a hole to escape his life? I called Joe, broke down into tears, and then grabbed my bike to frantically cruise around the neighborhood, yelling his name between sobs. After riding for 10 minutes, I got a call from a number I did not recognize.

"Excuse me, can I speak with Joseph Carr?"

"This is his fiancee, Ashley."

"This is Officer Vitelli from Portland Animal Control. Do you have a dog named Tanner?"

Tanner! His original Humane Society name. When Joe and I changed it, we thought we would never have to hear it again, but here it was, coming back to haunt me. He is in the microchip database as "Tanner".

"Yes, Tanner is mine."

"Well, Ashley, I found him dodging traffic on 92nd and Taylor. He looked really confused and scared. I lassoed him and I've got him in the back of the truck. I can bring him by your house. Where abouts do you live? Ivy St?"

I told him that we have moved from Ivy St to Hassalo St and that I hadn't changed his id tag yet. When I told the officer where we lived, he couldn't believe it. Ramone had run 2 miles south on a busy Friday afternoon. He crossed 4 major intersections. I shudder to think about it.

When he was dropped off, he was scared and submissive. I gave him a bath and told him how much I loved him. The officer was extremely nice and made the whole situation a lot easier for me.

The disappearance got me thinking of other things, "what ifs", if you will. What if he was hit by a car and was maimed? What if he died? What if a nice family picked him up and took him in? What if a prostitute hanging out on 82nd took him in? What if he ran away because he really was mad at me? What if he was only chasing a squirrel? These questions, I guess, will never be answered.

Joe returned last night from his 3-week vacation. As I get ready for work, the two boys are in bed, cuddling and slumbering. I realize that I love them more than anything. I am so glad that I have both back, safe, sound, warm, and snuggly.